She is the Sun; I am Warm

“She is A Sun; I Am Warm” | acrylic on 10”x 20” canvas

“To go to bed and to wake up again day after day besides a woman, to lie in bed with our arms around each other and drift in and out of sleep, to be with each other not as a quick stolen pleasure, nor as a wild treat but like sunlight, day after day in the regular course of our lives. I was discovering all the ways that love creeps into life when two selves exist closely, when two women* meet.” -Audre Lorde

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I love being a lesbian. Truly.

But I didn’t used feel that way.

10 years ago, I realized I was not straight. It happened almost randomly, during a sleepless night filled with panic. I laid in bed, thinking for hours about my frustration with all my friends who were busy obsessing over boys, something I struggled to comprehend. I stared at the ceiling in the dark, the gears in my head spinning wildly. Suddenly, my brain went quiet. A thought scrolled across my brain like a headline on the news, “what if I’m a lesbian??”.There really was no reason for this thought to cross my mind, I just knew I didn’t understand what the big deal was about boys. I sobbed hysterically the rest of that night. The thought of being a lesbian sent me into weeks of deep panic. I could not think of anything worse than being gay. Not because I hated gay people, but because I knew many other people did. I was scared for how people around me would react. How they would treat me after they knew.

In 2010, I had no real references that it was going to be ok. No people around me who were queer. No adults who could help me understand. I had no evidence to indicate to me that being gay was not going to be incredibly difficult. But it’s okay, I thought, I’m bisexual, so I can just date guys forever and no one will even have to know. I’m like 80% straight, 20% gay. It’s fine. :|

However, through the years, those percentages shifted. Eventually it was 50/50, then 20/80, then 5/95. For years, I really held onto the belief that there could be a man who I could love. I had dated men before and I had an okay time, I guess? I’ve had good sex with men (sorry mom), that must mean I’m still bi!! Upon closer inspection, I don’t think I ever cared for any man attached to the act, and largely disassociated during the process. After being assaulted in 2020, I closed off even more, reconsidering why I kept trying to date men. Who was I doing that for? It didn’t seem like it was for me.

Dating queer people, however, felt completely different. Even when it was bad, it was good. And when it was good, it was incredible.

Weirdly enough, the gayer I got—the more I lived as my authentic self—the happier I seemed to get??? Who would’ve though. Forcing myself to ignore such a large part of my identity grew to be more painful than the fear of being rejected for being gay... and that’s partially because I slowly stopped feeling rejected by the people around me, and started getting accepted, even celebrated, for my queerness. After going to a college with a large queer population (shoutout Emerson College lmao) and a popular slogan of “gay by may, or your money back”, my world opened up so much. I’d have to thank my college partner for that as well. They showed me what lesbian love can look like, and truly, I have never looked back. Moving to LA, that queer world expanded even more, and I started to see myself in the vibrant community around me. I stopped dating men. I began to feel like “Me”.

Still, it took me a long time to come to terms with the lesbian identity, something I had deemed too limiting in the past. Unsurprisingly however, accepting being a lesbian only opened the door to a long, complex culture I was finally able to accept as my own. It’s strange to not even realize you’re holding yourself back when you’ve been so actively queer for so long, but that’s compulsory heterosexuality for you. It feeds to the idea that not dating men is a limit, and that by liking them, I was somehow freer. Instead, I felt trapped, wishing I was just a lesbian as it would make more sense to me. Turns out, you can just decide that you’re a lesbian. You can just look at your life again and see what has been so obviously true for so long.

So, 10 years after a full-blown breakdown at the thought “maybe I’m a lesbian?”, I can proudly and confidently say that Yes, I am a lesbian. And happily so.

I’m thankful for the lesbian loves in my life—past and present. Each connection has taught me something new about myself, and has added vivid color to life and made me love it more. It has filled my world with a rich history and an excitement for a future world.

Yeah, I really love being a lesbian.

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*As a non-binary lesbian, I am quite aware that being a woman is not a pre-requisite for being a lesbian. The sapphic identity is deeper than that, and I will discuss that more in future posts. However, this is a 1982 quote from self-described “black, lesbian, mother, warrior, poet” Audre Lorde’s biomythography Zami, and the conversation around gender and lesbian identity has expanded greatly. But for now, I just really love this quote and what it illustrates about the beauty and simplicity of lesbian love. 💕